Transporter is a French-Canadian television series. The series is a continuation of the moderately entertaining Jason Statham headlined film series of the same name. Frank Martin is now played by Chris Vance. The Statham flicks were by no means masterpieces of cinema, but Statham had enough charm and the movies themselves were fun enough to keep me entertained. I thought the same would be true of the TV show when I came across it on Netflix.
Sadly, this isn’t true. Transporter: The Series is by far the worst TV show I have ever watched, reality TV notwithstanding. I wasn’t planning on doing a review, I just thought this would be a decent Netflix watch this evening. I have taken it upon myself to warn you to stay far, far, FAR away from this abomination. I suffered through one episode, and I literally have no idea why. Subconscious punishment, I guess?
The pilot episode, Trojan Horsepower, begins with Frank transporting two (originally three) escaped prisoners to a funeral. Chris Vance and the prisoners then engage in the most emotionless, boring, wooden dialogue I have ever heard. Every passing moment it becomes more and more painfully obvious how limited the budget is for this production. It is just the worst. I can’t articulate how bad it is using words. I know that’s my job, but when it comes to this… I just… I can’t… Luckily, I found the full episode on Dailymotion here. Watch the first five minutes. It appears the show wasn’t content with being terrible, they had to blatantly rip-off the opening to the original film in flabbergastingly poor manner.
In the show, they decide via coin flip, and the loser, a convicted criminal, honors that and leaves.
It continues to get much, much worse. Disregarding the terrible acting, terrible action, terrible dialogue, and terrible production value, lets talk about the laughably terrible plot. After the opening sequence, Frank spontaneously decides to do a favor for his mechanic involving a hot chick and an eco friendly module that optimizes a car’s use of gas… or something. It’s completely fake, makes zero sense, and defies all logic and reality. On top of that, this favor breaks all of Frank’s rules, rules that he has never broken throughout the entirety of the franchise!
Frank ends up being chased by an evil corporation who wants the prototype device because… money. The action that ensues is pathetic. There’s nothing exciting about the car chases, nothing fun about the fight choreography… this show literally has no redeeming value. None. I wholeheartedly recommend you stay away from this series, and if, by some travesty you end up watching the show, you should destroy your device and then perform an exorcism just to be safe. I cannot unsee this, and I genuinely regret even clicking in the first place.