Justice League

Justice League is a 2017 American superhero film directed by both Zack Snyder and Joss Whedon at separate points in production, featuring a screenplay written by Chris Terrio and Joss Whedon, who, once again, came onboard much later in production, with the main story being written by Snyder and Terrio. Based upon the superhero team of the same name as created by DC Comics, Justice League is the fifth installment in the DC Extended Universe following 2013’s Man of Steel, 2016’s Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice and Suicide Squad, and this year’s Wonder Woman. The film features an ensemble cast including Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Gal Gadot, Ezra Miller, Jason Momoa, Ray Fisher, Jeremy Irons, Diane Lane, Connie Nielsen, and J.K. Simmons.

Following the events of Dawn Of Justice, Bruce Wayne and Diana Prince are inspired by Superman’s sacrifice and set out to assemble a team of metahumans to fight against powerful threats to humankind. Meanwhile, the villainous Steppenwolf comes to Earth in search of the three Mother Boxes.

It is no secret that the DCEU, Warner Brothers’ answer to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, has been on shaky ground from the word go. While I didn’t hate Man of Steel, it was by no means remarkable, nor would I even call it “pretty good.” It was decidedly “eh.” The two efforts that followed, Batman v Superman and Suicide Squad, were train wrecks of the highest (or lowest, depending on perspective) order. I couldn’t even get through the first fifteen minutes of Suicide Squad it was so bad. I set out to review it knowing it was pretty much a dumpster fire of a movie, and I couldn’t even handle it knowing that. It should be telling that it took them until Wonder Woman, the fourth film in the series, to make a solid, objectively good film.

It is no secret that I am not a fan of Zack Snyder as a director and I consider him to be an absolutely atrocious screenwriter. I am not a fan of any film he has directed so far; I have nothing against him as a person. Midway through production of this film, Snyder’s daughter tragically committed suicide during production of this film, leading to Joss Whedon replacing him. Whedon edited Snyder’s screenplay and had control over reshooots and editing of the film. All of this production drama led me to expect a trainwreck on par with Suicide Squad. I was expecting it to be, at the very least, interesting in its badness.

I was ultimately disappointed by Justice League in a multitude of ways. It was not horrible, it was not a travesty of cinema, but it was also not good nor memorable in any way, shape, or form. Batman vs. Superman, as bad as it was, at least tried to do something. It tried to be a thing. Justice League is the cinematic equivalent of saltine crackers.

From the opening five minutes, I was quite bored. There’s no fun to be had here, no enjoyment to get out of this. It’s not even incompetent. It is an entirely competent, well-constructed piece of bleh.

When the DC Extended Universe was first becoming a thing, Justice League was meant to be split into two films. People are guessing that Batman vs. Superman alongside the two Justice League films were meant to comprise a trilogy, with Batman vs. Superman being a combination of the (very famous in comic book circles) stories The Dark Knight Returns and The Death of Superman. Batman v. Superman was always (probably) to end in the climactic death of the world’s best-known allegory for Jesus Christ, with the ending of the first Justice League movie being his triumphant return, and the second film being the whole team fighting together. On paper, it sounds amazing.

Obviously, it didn’t work out that way. Batman vs. Superman was a terrible mess and the death of Superman had absolutely no impact. As a result, the Powers That Be refused to take any kind of risk with this film and hacked what was on paper an excellent plan into a milquetoast bore fest that had me wanting to fall asleep in the middle of it. There’s nothing interesting about it. Superman’s Resurrection is seen as more of a practical plot point than an emotional one, and nobody in the audience felt any way about it. It’s only a big part of the movie for maybe ten minutes. Afterwards, no one seemed to care, not even Superman. It is obvious this was meant to be a much longer movie (God forbid), with emotional story beats that were supposed to be there missing throughout.

The cast is good, but they are straight up phoning it in. Ben Affleck looks fat and uninterested. Nobody in this film is really into it, and it shows. The CGI was wildly inconsistent; the last third was an entirely CGI battle that was very uninteresting and boring. I literally am not going to stop using that word, because it is a perfect descriptor. It was so boring, I’m unapologetically phoning in this review. It’s not worth expending a lot of energy talking about more minute details.

Warner Brothers was so scared of another monstrous failure that they made a film that was so factory-ready, competent, and inoffensive that it was boring. It was so very boring. It shouldn’t be boring, but it was. I can’t emphasize the boredom enough. I don’t really know what else to say.

Assassin’s Creed

Assassin’s Creed is a 2016 American-French action-adventure film based upon the video game series of the same name. The film was directed by Justin Kurzel and written by Michael Lesslie, Adam Cooper and Bill Collage. Assassin’s Creed stars Michael Fassbender (one of my favorite actors), Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, and The Wire’s Michael K. Williams.

Assassin’s Creed was first released in 2007. It is an open-world stealth-action game set primarily during the Third Crusade. A young man named Desmond is abducted by Abstergo, a multinational technology giant that is a front for the mysterious shadow organization known as The Templars, on the hunt for mysterious and powerful artifacts which they will use to control the world. The Templars have been engaged in a centuries long shadow war with the Assassins, who are sworn to protect the world from the Templars by any means necessary. Desmond, though raised as an Assassin, left the clan and had been working under assumed names in New York City to protect himself. Under threat of death, Desmond begrudgingly agrees to assist them. He uses a machine called The Animus to access and relive the memories of his ancestors, first Altaïr ibn-La’Ahad. The majority of the game is spent as Altaïr, and you traverse the vast city of Jerusalem uncovering a story of betrayal and intrigue while… you know, doing Assassin things. Desmond later escapes with help from Assassin’s working undercover in Abstergo, and once again must enter the Animus and search for the mysterious Apple of Eden, which was hidden by Assassin Ezio Auditore da Firenze during the Italian Renaissance. Desmond and his allies end up in a desperate hunt for the Apple, which brought about the end of an entire ancient civilization. He is aided by holograms of the leaders of this ancient civilization: Jupiter, Minerva, and Juno.

The film version forgoes any of the more interesting aspects of the game’s storyline for something much more streamlined (and boring). Callum Lynch is the son of an Assassin who, for reasons unexplained, ends up on death row. His death is faked by Abstergo and he is then forced to relive the memories of Assassin Aguilar de Nerha during the Spanish Inquisition. Callum is put under the watchful eye of well-meaning doctor Sofia Rikkin, daughter of the head of Abstergo. The Templars want the Apple because it contains the genetic code for free will, which they will use to subjugate the human race and create “a world of peace.”

Assassin’s Creed was often borderline nonsensical and often just plain boring. The action featured in the movie is very pedestrian, bland, and nothing special, and several of the characters’ motivations are either poorly set up or not set up at all. Sofia eventually betrays her father and assists Callum in rescuing the Apple, but she has no reason to do so. Callum and her never develop a romantic relationship, unless you call a strange, sorta, kinda friendship in a scientist-subject dynamic a romance. Not much in the present-day narrative made much sense to me. In the games, “synchronized”was just a way of saying you had finished a portion of the game. (i.e. If you had completed a task, quest, section, or objective, then that portion of the memory in the Animus was 100% synchronized.) In the film, there is a part where Callum is in the Animus, reliving the memories of Aguilar, and Sofia overdramatically states “He’s synchronized!” They never explain exactly what this means.

So the plot of the movie is bad. Badly plotted movies can still have interesting characters, action, or good acting. Assassin’s Creed has nothing. It isn’t even noteworthy in its badness, just boring. The fatal flaw in Assassin’s Creed is the way in which it is set up on a basic level. Unlike the game, in which the memories of the past are in order with logical progression, with only minimal interruption, the film constantly switches between the perspectives of Aguilar and Callum, which is very jarring. Not only that, but when Callum goes back, Aguilar is suddenly captured and must escape, and is later giving the Apple to Christopher Columbus. You have no idea how he got captured or why he gave it to Columbus. Aguilar also has a girlfriend you never care about. In fact, you do not give two craps about anyone because A. The script has nothing to make you care and B. Nobody ever emotes. Nobody has any real emotion, except Michael Fassbender’s acting switch is apparently stuck in “brooding and vaguely angry” the entire movie. This confuses me, because nobody in this movie is a bad actor, some are actually quite good. Also, considering Fassbender also produced this film and had actual stake in its success, I would assume he would at least try. But no, not even Evil Alfred, Jeremy Irons, tries at all.

Assassin’s Creed was a nonsensical and boring critical and commercial flop, and for good reason. Even though (contrary to popular belief) there are video game plotlines that would make great films, there has yet to be a good adaptation which would legitimize the medium. This is because, for whatever reason, screenwriters choose to needlessly alter the plot when the original plot worked just fine. In fact, both the film and the games would’ve been better if they had eliminated the present-day storyline until you wanted to focus entirely in the present, and instead gotten us invested entirely on the Assassins of the past. Instead, the film is all over the place from a narrative perspective, and you either don’t care or don’t understand what is going on as a consequence. Assassin’s Creed is a big-budget borefest, a failed franchise launch that proves that people have yet to take video games seriously as a medium, and is disappointing as a stamdalone film and a horrible adaptation.